Today is Sunday

Alex spent the weekend in Praia so I was home alone for a few days. On Sunday, I didn’t have too much work to do, and I decided to stay inside for most of the day. I did a little art, did some stuff on the computer, cleaned a little… not too much. You know when you’re alone though and you start thinking about how you spend your time? Like, what would other people would be doing right then? What would someone you admire, or even someone you loathe, be doing right then?

When I’m alone, I sometimes think everyone else is either being super productive, having lots of fun, or both. Is this what makes people feel lonely - thinking everyone else is getting so much more out of their time? Is loneliness an inadequacy we create when we have nothing to do?

I was deep into debate with myself when Tony, a coworker, rang the bell. He came in and we talked about random things. He invited me over to his house. I complied.

We sat down in his one room place and he put in a DVD. We watched Rihanna music videos and he told me about how his old house had a bigger TV. Tony’s next purchase is a refrigerator - he already has a nice stereo, DVD player and two TV’s. Jay-Z came on the screen and I thought, “if Jay-Z thinks he’s so cool, he should be a politician.”

If Jay-Z knew I said that though, he’d probably say something hip and try to make me think life is really about hot bitches and money. By now though, I’m pretty sure he’s wrong - Jay-Z don’t know nothin’. If he did, he’d be making a statement everyone – including white people and actual African people – would righteously aspire to. Instead, he leaves us outside his box of beautiful famous people thinking the only way in is by owning expensive things and having women at your feet.

I wasn’t into hanging out today. Usually I’m nice enough to at least spend some time and chat with people, but today I didn’t really feel like talking. I was in the middle of a good conversation with Deus and wanted to get back to contemplating the complexities of loneliness.

The keys hit the top of the spare oven, their usual place, and I sat back down on the couch trying to find my mental groove again. The clock ticked, the wind blew against the window and my stomach growled. Crap, I forgot to eat again. I hadn’t eaten all day. I found half a can of peas and carrots in the fridge and toasted the last pieces of bread before they molded. Each bite tasted good. The nutrients in the canned vegetables overcame the taste of preservatives. The butter on the toast melted just enough on the hot toast to feel both the texture of the slightly moistened bread and smooth cold butter on my teeth. As I savored the meal, I sat on a plastic stool and stared at the wall. The wall was covered with dark linoleum tiles and a cardboard spice rack hanging from the window.

When food hit my belly, I put my plate in the sink. My eyes slowly gazed out the window across the room. A whistle blew. I heard people playing soccer outside. The bass beats of Funana music blasted through the wall from the house next door. Outside my apartment, doors opened and closed: my neighbors must’ve been doing something important.

Is this where I’m supposed to get lonely and want to do something? If I do something though, I think I’ll miss where I am now - like when I was at Tony’s place and wanted to be back on the couch. Will I miss this moment standing at the sink? Will I look back on this moment and not want to be where I am then because this moment here is better? Well, I won’t know until then. I can only know where I am now. Well, where is that?

I’m where I’ve always been and where everyone else is, all the time. I’m here, trying to get as many smiles out of the day as possible. If I get them on my couch or hanging out with Tony, it’s all the same. I shouldn’t project how people spend their time or how I could be spending mine. Chances are if I were to go out there and find something to do, I would miss where I am right now. So, I’m gonna stay on this couch and enjoy whatever I end up doing because today is Sunday.